So perhaps I spoke too soon.
I think my hypo-manic episodes generally have an average life span of a week or so. That being said I think things are winding down and I don’t know how I feel about it.
I honestly prefer mania to everything else that bipolar throws at me… I find myself having the most fun during those periods (when I am “under control” – hypo-mania and bankruptcy = no fun). Alas, the low of bipolar is inevitable. At this point I am not sure if I am dipping down significantly, or if it is partially medication withdrawals from my lamotragine. I am sure I will know soon enough – maybe it is a 2 for 1 deal. Depression and medication withdrawals at once; wouldn’t that be fun?
I found myself invincible only a day ago, and then Tuesday I woke up feeling like the world was crushing me and I couldn’t escape from underneath it. I felt like I couldn’t breathe at the prospect of facing the day. Wowzerz. Bipolar can be so merciless sometimes. To go from feeling like you can do anything – to then feel like your legs are going to collapse from underneath you or that you might cry just by trying to get out of bed. (I have to say the sensation that I have or rather don’t have in my legs with my anxiety is either more prominent or new… I don’t recall experiencing it in previous years)
Life goes on right? Whether we are ready for it or not. I am trying to focus on the little things that I want to accomplish (or figure out) to make myself that much happier with who I am as a human. Stagnancy is my greatest enemy. Whenever I feel myself or catch myself being stagnant I feel a surge of guilt.
Literally, one of the quotes that I run my life by.
I feel like I have been doing so well in life and yet when I reflect on what I’ve actually accomplished in recent months it is subpar in my opinion. Perhaps, maintaining relative stability is all that I could manage. Don’t get me wrong, I am not knocking the immense effort that goes into staying stable for myself or anyone else living with bipolar as it is no small feat requiring significant effort. Yet, that being said I feel like I should be doing more or should have accomplished more…. perhaps I am being greedy.
Sometimes, more often than not waking up for me is a my major accomplishment. Going through the routine of having a shower, doing my hair, doing my make-up, getting dressed (quite frankly there are some days that I fail at one, two or all of those simple things). Being in a state of mind to go through my day at work while keeping my composure – those are accomplishments in my eyes. So why am I so disappointed in myself? I am thinking aloud as I type this, but I seem to be really ragging on myself lately with “not being enough”…. let’s see what this post evolves into….
What is being enough?
We have so much potential in our individual lives, and I have to remind myself and everyone reading this that there is no set time limit to accomplish things in life. Every step taken forward is a step worth celebrating as you move forward at your own pace.
I have been trying to live more intentionally (which stems back to my birthday goals in an earlier post). I feel like I am making progress with that goal, but at the same time I think by becoming especially candid with myself it has made me a wee bit cynical. Do you ever just grow tired of “the superficial” that are in abundant supply? I made my post earlier regarding “Friends. Who Needs Them?” and the theme of that post is still weighing heavily on my mind.
Time is our life’s most precious commodity. As I have tried to be more intentional I’ve realized how much time I throw away. I have deleted all my social media #noregrets… it has given me extra time that I thought I didn’t have in the day. When it comes to my time and who I want to spend it with, I am leaning towards channeling my no-nonsense and confidence approach as a child (and youth) where I did not care and it did not phase me to not have social relationships with peers. Thus, I believe if embrace that mentality I would not waste my time on people like I find myself doing as an adult.
I expressed and I will reiterate that as a younger Stephanie I thrived on my own; focusing on my education, athletics and interests/hobbies. I liked me and all my quirks and despite how I may have come across – I still like me (quirks in tow). I like that I am always 100% authentic and sincere with those I interact with and HOLY COW if being sincere and considerate of other people’s feelings is too overwhelming or a turn-off (especially if you would like it reciprocated) then all I can say is adios and buh-bye. I don’t need to aspire to waste my time with people who couldn’t care less about giving me theirs.
I think I would rather just stick to the simple interactions in social settings and not pursue those “movie” type of friendships, that have been essentially illusive all of my life and plastered all over social media (rest assured I am not bitter – I just don’t fit that mold). I think I am resolved with the fact that people have never (since I can remember from my childhood) to present day wanted to approach me to be friends on their own accord. That fact has absolutely nothing to do with something being wrong with me – as was the question I posed in my earlier post. Today I am okay with this reality. I am okay with the fact that I am me and I’m not the average person’s cup of enticing tea. I have always been my own person and that is nothing to be ashamed of. I wore sweater vests in Jr. High for goodness sake (and I was not in a private school). If that doesn’t tell you I’ve always been my own person – I’m not sure what will.
I am going to embrace the relationships I have with my family with more gratitude, ultimately at the end of the day those matter the most to me. Additionally, my husband – a literal gift from the gods. I want to ensure our relationship is first and foremost on my mind. If I ever needed a best friend (who wasn’t one of my sisters) he meets and exceeds that title. He is my best friend and I know when he is done with his crazy studying we will have more time for the “fun” things (trips included). However, to be able to talk to him about anything and everything is something I do not want to take for granted and dismiss with novel pursuits of having “other friends” . He is more than enough.
There is so much that this world has to offer us. I just have to be more aware of what matters most and not get distracted with the trivial things. It is so easy to let a tiny pebble get in our shoe that essentially has the power to cripple us from walking or running. Don’t let the tiny things that have no significance get you down about who you are and what you bring to the table. Value your time and when you have the mental fortitude to do things that you want to (crippling episodes aside) make sure you don’t waste that time on things or people that don’t bring you sincere joy and uplift you.
I told my husband the other day – why do I want to try so hard just to be someone’s afterthought? Ultimately, it does nothing for my confidence, and doesn’t reflect how I view my self-worth and what I offer. All the time I spend putting into relations that I am merely a “convenient friend” or “therapist” for the moment that it suits the other party is time that I could spend bettering myself and not being hurt by being so dispensable.
Friends… so many TedTalks suggest we need them to be fulfilled in life and to be truly happy. My viewpoint is after officially living “without” friends and then “with” them – I can do without. I think at the end of the day I prefer having social acquaintances; people I interact with on a sincere level BUT that I have 0 expectations of other than to be a decent human being that shows an equal level of respect during our interaction. I will definitely enjoy deep conversations with strangers when they arise, just as I always have in the past… but when it comes to engaging in new relationships I think I am going to do a hard pass. This decision has to do with my social history and ultimately when I was happiest – and truth be told – I was happiest when I didn’t care that I didn’t have “friends”.
There is so much that this world has to offer, and I am excited at the prospect of where I am headed with this new found freedom of breaking the social norm of having a social network. How much more time, and mental capacity will I have to focus elsewhere, because I am not caught up with trying to be an afterthought to other people? Sure, I will maintain the relationships I have with my longstanding friends BUT I will be reciprocating the amount of effort they put in and then I will call it a day and not think twice about it.
I am taking each day at a time, finding my footing and emptying my shoes of pebbles along the way so that ultimately I can go further with as little pain as possible and enjoy the journey that much more.
A bit of a rando post – I have a million thoughts swirling through this noggin’ of mine.
Know that you are enough. You are enough and just because people don’t see that OR want to acknowledge it doesn’t mean it isn’t true. I am telling you – you are enough and you can do amazing things because this life is filled with a world of possibilities.
I hope you all have an enjoyable rest of your week.